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Star Wars: The Phantom Timeline

Star Wars: The Phantom Timeline

This is just something I wrote for fun (And because I have a twisted imagination). It was all based around the idea I had one day, “What if Jabba was into erotic asphyxiation and his death was an accident?” Encouraged by my friends, I looked into Star Wars with a fresh set of eyes. This is what I discovered…

We should probably start with Emperor Palpatine since he’s the one pulling the strings. Senator Sheev Palpatine, tired of political gridlock preventing anything from ever getting done, lies, tricks, and cajoles his way into becoming Chancellor. There’s just one problem though, the religious group that really runs the galaxy (Jedi) doesn’t agree with his own beliefs (Sith). He just wants what’s best for everyone (Order in the galaxy) but those covetous hook nosed Jewdis are in charge of all the wealth and knowledge. So he purges a few thousand of them for the sake of galactic order. That’s not so bad, is it? Basically, it’s House Of Cards meets the West Bank (Meets Hitler). Don’t agree with me? Is it Palpatine that attacks the Jedi or does Mace Windu take a couple of his cronies and corner him in his office?

Then there’s Anakin Skywalker, who the entire space opera really revolves around. His mother is knocked up by some asshole who takes off and under the ultra-conservative (And yet morally corrupt) laws of the Hutt crime syndicate isn’t allowed to have an abortion. So, now we have little Annie Skywalker, who not only is born a fatherless white slave but also has the misfortune to be called a girl’s name his entire life. Mother Skywalker doesn’t want to admit that she is a whore to Anakin so she makes up a story about how she was raped by The Force (Force Fucked, if you will). Like most shitty single mothers, Mama Skywalker is far too busy whoring and watching her stories to really raise Anakin and allows him to go off on his own and compete in pod racing, a sport where the contestants routinely die in accidents. After lying to him his entire life about his father, Anakin’s mom then sends him off to live with a “Magic old man” she just met (Whose hallucinations match her story), his handsome teenage sidekick, and master of cunnilingus Jar Jar Binks.

6

“Yousa gonna cum for me.”

Qui-Gon Jinn is basically a hippie. Despite being one of the most powerful Jedi, he isn’t a member of the council. That’s because he values living in the moment as the best way to embrace the Force. He also believes that everything happens for a reason. This is basically the Star Wars equivalent of being into horoscopes and I would like to believe that Qui-Gon only spouted this stuff to get with the chicks. He’s essentially every philosophy major you’ve ever met.

Then there’s his young padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan has basically been raised by Qui-Gon and noted how his unorthodox beliefs have kept him from being on the Jedi Council. Therefore, Obi-Wan turns into one of those super straight laced people that rebels by not rebelling (It’s a wonder he didn’t run off and join the Empire). Despite his strict adherence to the rules, he agrees to train Anakin to fulfill Qui-Gon’s dying request.

Then you have Padme Amidala, either a pedophile or a cougar depending on just when her and Anakin start doing the nasty. A teen aristocrat, she is used to getting whatever she wants (A trait that would be passed down to her daughter). So Anakin goes from forced slavery to indentured servitude at the Jedi Academy where he is taught by Qui-Gon even though the council didn’t want him there. Indoctrinated to suppress his emotions, Anakin starts listening to Starship Dashboard Confessional in secret and bed wetting because of Padme’s unrequited love and probably starts killing kittens and Ewoks in secret. To top things off, his mother gets married and is killed by sand people.

2

Sand people are always terrorists.

Finally releasing his pent up aggression, Anakin commits genocide on the sand people. Seeing a confused and angry yet somewhat kindred spirit, Palpatine takes Anakin under his wing (A little genocide isn’t always so bad). Then Anakin is betrayed by his closest friend and mentor (Obi-Wan), horribly disfigured, and left for dead while his former best friend kidnaps his children to be raised in secret (Despite not wanting Vader to know he has children, he allows one of them to keep the Skywalker surname). I don’t know about you guys, but Vader is definitely the victim here to me. Poor guy never had a chance. Then, you have his fucked up kids. Leia, raised as a Princess on Alderaan, starts fucking every species she comes across desperately trying to gain attention from her adopted Senator father who is always working. She will even go on to unwittingly make out with her own brother.

3

Meanwhile, Luke is raised by his molester step-Uncle Owen and Aunt “I swear I won’t say anything” Beru. So Obi-Wan thought the best person to raise Luke was the step-brother (That Anakin never knew) of his father (Whom Luke never met). Tired of keeping his Uncle’s secrets, Luke wishes to leave Tatooine and join the Imperial Academy (Which is presumably all-male) but Owen won’t let him. “Maybe next year…”

5

“…when you’re too old for me.”

Like most children who are molested, Luke grows up to make out with his biological sister and ultimately turn gay. He’s also trained by a significantly older man who has been salaciously watching over him his entire life (Obi-Wan). He begins indoctrinating him to, “Search his feelings” and begins instructing him to handle a phallic weapon (Lightsaber). Just when Luke becomes attached though, Obi-Wan allows Vader to kill him and sends Luke off to train with another enigmatic old man (Yoda). Yoda, having been convicted of several sex crimes, lives in seclusion on Dagobah (Don’t think he’s gay? Watch the original trilogy. A man had his hand up Yoda’s ass in every scene).

8

“Uncomfortable and confused, I am…”

But first they meet Han Solo, a hero of the series who goes on to become a General of the New Republic, but is in fact a drug dealer (Glitterstim Spice) and a murderer (Yes, he shoots first). Now, he doesn’t need The Force to sense Leia’s daddy issues and immediately begins manipulating her into having sex with him. This is temporarily interrupted when he is frozen in carbonite. During a failed rescue attempt, Leia is introduced to Jabba The Hutt (A wealthy criminal). Instantly realizing that Jabba is a bigger bad boy than Han could ever be, Leia starts fucking Jabba. Freak that he is, Jabba is into erotic asphyxiation (And felching with Salacious Crumb) and Leia accidentally kills him. Realizing her mistake, Leia is suddenly in love with Han again.

7

“…did he say felching?”

There’s also Chewbacca, the galactic equivalent of an abused pit bull (Ultimately loyal but with severe anger management issues), Lando Calrissian,a black man who has climbed out of the ghetto to be the respectable head of a gas mining business (Despite the fact that it’s run illegally off the Empire’s books), and a gay droid odd couple (See-Threepio and Artoo-Detoo).

8

An inspiration to same-sex marriage for generations.

The thrilling conclusion of the films is when the Emperor gives Vader the opportunity for his son to join them. Not only that, but despite being massively underqualified, the Emperor graciously gives Luke the opportunity to take Vader’s job. Most parents would jump for the chance for all their hard work to make their child’s life easier, but instead Vader turns on Palpatine (Basically the only person that’s ever treated him decently) and murders him, not even to take his place either and rule the galaxy side by side with Luke as father and son (Which he promised). Imagine if you asked your boss to give your son a job he doesn’t deserve, your son spurns the opportunity, and then you kill your boss. Doesn’t that seem fucked up? And to top it all off, his death throws the galaxy into a power struggle where there’s no clear leader.

So this is where we sit now. Galactic turmoil. Luke is alone in the galaxy after being left behind by his two gay mentors and facilitating the deaths of the last two gay men in the galaxy (Including the father that he grew up never knowing). Leia, feeling guilty about leaving Han for Jabba, enters into a loveless marriage with him. The governing body of the galaxy has been overthrown by the rebellion and is weak and leaderless. Then to top if all off, the Corellian clerk refuses to grant a marriage license to See-Threepio and Artoo because of her own personal beliefs. Can J.J. Abrams fix this? I certainly hope so.

 

 

T-Bagz was allowed into a private screening of Episode II because the theater employees felt sorry for him

 

T-Bagz

Dr. Tyler Parrish is an alcoholic with an eating disorder and mommy issues who dropped out of high school and has been angrily blogging ever since. Much like Professor X, Tyler's mighty mind is trapped in a body rarely able to get out of bed. Reverend Parrish has been featured on America's Funniest Videos, Texts From Last Night, and TheDirty.com. As a born again virgin, he has an INSANE amount of free time to spew his vitriol forth onto the internet. Quite simply, he's what is wrong with America.

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