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REVIEW: Kingsman:The Secret Service

REVIEW: Kingsman:The Secret Service

When I saw the first trailer for Kingsman, it very slightly piqued my curiosity. At first I thought it was a sequel to The King’s Speech. But over time, bit by bit, little by little, I wanted to see it more and more. I was hooked when I finally saw the scene where Colin Firth beat up everyone in the bar. Colin Firth? Best actor award winner? The dude from Love Actually and Bridget Jones’s Diary?



It’s being done by Matthew Vaughn. What do we know? Although I personally didn’t think X-Men:First Class was great, parts of it were quite good. It definitely had an old spy movie feel to it which I thought would make him good for this. He also directed Kick-Ass which was written by Mark Millar who also wrote… oh, the comic this movie is based on (The Secret Service). Besides Wanted and Kick-ass, Millar also just happened to write Marvel’s Civil War (Which is now the plot being used for Captain America 3). He was also brought in recently to be a creative consultant for Fox on X-Men and Fantastic Four (Which is being produced by Matthew Vaughn). It was also co-written by frequent collaborator Jane Goldman, so these three have been doing business together for some time.

Who else is in this? Michael Caine? Samuel L. Jackson? MARK HAMILL (Playing the role of Professor Arnold, who in the original comic was named Mark Hamill)?!?!?! Count me in. Glad I am that I went, too. This was the most fun I’ve had at the movies since Guardians Of The Galaxy.


“Come along, bitch.”

It opens in a time and land long forgotten… the Middle East in the 90’s. The Kingsman, an elite branch of UK Intelligence that doesn’t answer to the government (It’s basically the British S.H.I.E.L.D.) are invading a desert citadel seeking information. During interrogation, the prisoner is able to pull a pin on a grenade. One of the Kingsman bravely dives on top of him, saving his compatriots. Harry Hart AKA Galahad (All the agents are named after Arthurian characters) personally goes and tells Lancelot’s widow and son Gary “Eggsy” Unwin (Taron Egerton) giving them a medal of valor with a phone number on the back they can use to get out of any jam.

We then travel ahead in time seventeen years. The new Lancelot dashingly defeats a group of men holding a climate scientist hostage before being taken out himself by an assassin named Gazelle who works for internet billionaire Richard Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson). Meanwhile, back in England, Eggsy is all grown up and wearing flat bill hats. His mom has fallen in with the local gang leader whose followers don’t like Eggsy but leave him alone because their glorious leader is putting a wittle bit o’baby batter on the ol’ fish and chips!


This is what a British gang looks like… terrifying

Eggsy doesn’t like their taunting though and steals one of their cars before leading the police on a merry chase that ends in his arrest. Being a steadfast chap, he refuses to give up his mates (Foreshadowing his loyalty). He dials the number on the back of his dad’s medal and Harry springs him out of the pokey. With an agent dead, the remaining Kingsman all select someone to take his place. After doing some background research, Harry decides Eggsy would be a good candidate. We then meet Merlin, this world’s version of Q from James Bond. He’s played by Mark Strong (Who was also in Kick-Ass) who is British but for some reason effects a bad Scotch-Irish accent?


“Did you ‘ear that?”

While the trainees make their headway, Harry gets hurt investigating Lancelot’s death. Soon they’re back on track though and learn that Valentine is giving out SIM cards that will turn people into Reavers from Serenity. His plan is to protect as many wealthy and influential people as he can (By kidnapping those who won’t aid him willingly) and have a large portion of humanity kill each other because we’re overpopulated (Finally someone is listening to Bill Burr!). Will Eggsy become a Kingsman, save the world, and have a bit o’buggery with the Swedish Princess? You’ll have to see to find out!


Look at all that majesty!

The first thing you should know about Kingsman is that the tone is all over the place so you can’t really judge it like a normal film. I wouldn’t say it’s a good movie in the “critical” sense but instead is silly enough to be really enjoyable. It’s deadpan enough to take itself seriously and flippant enough to be completely over the top. You have very sober British acting existing on the screen next to Samuel L. Jackson’s Mike Tyson-esque lisp. You have really great action (Like a flying omoplata ending in an execution style shooting) with a woman who walks on prosthetic legs made of knives that don’t stick into the floor for some reason. There is good comedy. There is unexpected twists. There is an EPIC scene where Colin Firth kills an entire building full of people. There is a scene where dozens of heads explode while Land Of Hope And Glory (Macho Man Randy Savage’s theme song) plays. There is anal sex (I didn’t see it coming either). This movie has a bit of everything and remains entertaining throughout.

This film ended up being an amalgam of different types of movies I like.  There’s a bit of old school Bond spy movie with a bit of over the top 80’s action with a bit of awkward comedy with a bit of tragic loss. This movie is like your friend who changes his major eight times but is so endearing that you just keep supporting them. It’s the rare time killer that actually has good parts bordering on great in it. It’s so ludicrous that you can’t judge it harshly but has enough serious elements in it to actually be considered good. Somehow this movie could end up competing with Avengers:Age Of Ultron for movie I most enjoyed watching this year. I’m worried Avengers… I’m worried.       A-


T-Bagz googled British sex euphemisms to write this



Dr. Tyler Parrish is an alcoholic with an eating disorder and mommy issues who dropped out of high school and has been angrily blogging ever since. Much like Professor X, Tyler's mighty mind is trapped in a body rarely able to get out of bed. Reverend Parrish has been featured on America's Funniest Videos, Texts From Last Night, and TheDirty.com. As a born again virgin, he has an INSANE amount of free time to spew his vitriol forth onto the internet. Quite simply, he's what is wrong with America.

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