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REVIEW: Seventh Son

REVIEW: Seventh Son

Much like Jupiter Ascending, Seventh Son has suffered from multiple tragedies. Originally supposed to come out in 2013, the movie was pushed back several times due to things like Legendary Pictures ending their partnership with Warner Bros, their new distributor pulling it, and not finishing post production. The studio doing the visual effects also went bankrupt and they had to pay them 5 million dollars to finish the flick. It was directed by somebody you’ve never heard of and written by two guys you’ve never heard of. But having debuted the film two months ago in the rest of the world, I think they’ll end up turning a profit. As long as it makes 13 million in the states it’ll make back its’ budget and it would be almost impossible to not do that.


…unless you’re Mortdecai.

This film starts out with a man hammering the lid on to an underground jail cell… out in the open where anyone could find it and open it. The witch inside swears she’ll get her vengeance and then it time lapses forward ten years.  In present day, Kit Harrington (Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones) is the Spook’s Apprentice (That’s the name of the book it’s based off of. In the US it’s called The Last Apprentice). In case you are wondering, a Spook is like a medieval John Constantine or Dylan Dog. Anyways, the apprentice dares to interrupt his master’s drinking binge which sets up an impressive scene where Jeff Bridges (The fucking Dude) beats up a man with his drinking cup without spilling any ale… which he explains by pouring the ale out.


“Say whaaaaat?”

A young girl has been possessed so Gregory and his apprentice are off to vanquish the evil. Upon arrival though, Gregory discovers the witch is none other than Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore), the witch he had imprisoned ten minutes ago! With the rising of the Blood Moon, she has grown in power and escaped her prison. Gregory and his apprentice battle her and Kit Harrington dies proving that the writer of this enjoys Game Of Thrones. I really like Julianne Moore, but there didn’t really seem to be much that she brought to this role.


“Take my hand, we’ll make it I sweeeear…”

In need of a new apprentice, Gregory travels to find Tom Ward (Ben Barnes, Chronicles of Narnia), the seventh son of a seventh son, a guy who even looks like Dylan Dog. He’s a down on his luck pig farmer with big city dreams and strange visions. Gregory buys him from his family and they’re off. They arrive at a small town and while Gregory is busy carousing in the local tavern, Tom saves a young woman named Alice (Sweden’s Alicia Vikander) from an angry mob accusing her of witchcraft (Spoiler alert- She’s really a witch).


“Just follow my lead, kid.”

Then they travel to Gregory’s strange home (Complete with monster servant Tusk) to begin his training. There’s not much time though, the Blood Moon will be full in a week. Meanwhile, Mother Malkin arrives back at her ancient stronghold and finds her sister, Bony Lizzie (Antje Traue, Faora from Man Of Steel). She begins to summon her lieutenants to her. It’s a fantasy film, so Djimon Honssou shows up. According to the credits, Jason Scott Lee was also in this…


…but I never spotted him.

Then Tom falls in love with the witch, finds out his mother is a witch, finds out Gregory used to be in love with Mother Malkin, and so on and so on. So what did we like about the film? Well, It was delightful to see Bridges and Moore have their Big Lebowski reunion. This movie probably really would have sucked if the part of Bridges had been played by someone like… let’s say Nicolas Cage (Even if he does sound like Monty Python’s Rooster Cogburn). I liked the plot (As recycled as it was). What sucked? The movie is painfully reminiscent of RIPD (Which it was supposed to come out in the same year as). It’s humor is strange at times but at times it was so funny I didn’t care. There’s a fantastic part where Bridge’s is walking off screen and mutters, “…fucking witches”. I think he just did it to mess around and they kept it. The CGI was kinda rough in a couple of spots. The dialogue was rough in a couple of spots. The movie was just kind of all over the place with direction and tone. It seemed like a woman too many guys were sticking their dicks into. That being said though, I think my combination of low expectations and not really taking it that seriously ended up making me enjoy this more than I should have. It’s not good, per se, but if you like this type of movie it’s a solid rental. If fantasy’s not your thing then don’t waste giving it a shot with this.     C+

T-Bagz realizes that is not Jason Scott Lee or Mowgli


Dr. Tyler Parrish is an alcoholic with an eating disorder and mommy issues who dropped out of high school and has been angrily blogging ever since. Much like Professor X, Tyler's mighty mind is trapped in a body rarely able to get out of bed. Reverend Parrish has been featured on America's Funniest Videos, Texts From Last Night, and TheDirty.com. As a born again virgin, he has an INSANE amount of free time to spew his vitriol forth onto the internet. Quite simply, he's what is wrong with America.

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